Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
