I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
