I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm bleeding and have questions
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
