oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
