I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
