And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize