The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
