I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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