Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
