My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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