I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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