My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
