No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
