Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I did not marry a roomba.
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