Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
