i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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