Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
