Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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