Your face is a jimmy john
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Vodka?
Forever.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
