i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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