Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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