Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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