I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
