every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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