My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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