i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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