I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
