Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
