I faked an abortion last night.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
