Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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