Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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