I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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