Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
