She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
