I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
