she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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