im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
