Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
