i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize