Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
