U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Randomize
