You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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