I'm jealous of your bromance
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
