new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
