Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
