Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
