Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
There's always time for handjobs
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
