today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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