My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
