At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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