Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
