How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
