the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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