I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
