I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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