Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
