No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
