Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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