I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
