i permit you to call me
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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