genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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