you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
