I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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