If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
