He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Why are your pants in the freezer?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize