Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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