JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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