Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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